Twas the Month before Christmas

Tia and I ventured into South Portland the other night for round 1 of our Christmas shopping. South Portland (Maine) is just like any other blister of commercial urban sprawl, identical in every way to countless other such troughs of American gluttony. You've got the Best Buy, the Target, the Toys-R-us, the Old Navy, the Sears, the Macy's, the Ruby Tuesday's, and an assortment of other massive chains. We hit up the trusty old Great Wall buffet first, diving head first next to weary and malnourished shoppers into the all-you-can-eat crab legs, Chinese, sushi, pizza, fried foods, ice cream, etc. There's something magical about a luke-warm buffet with the invitation of all-you-can-eat. Some primordial instict is tickled with gratification by the great harvest before you, even though your ticket to the feast cost just one hour of whatever it is you do for work (please read the post "What We Do For Food").

We read our fortunes of grand days ahead, and continued onto the local Target to further prepare for Jesus Christ's 2004th birthday party. Not 10 feet in through the front gates, and their marketing masterminds already have you swarming around the 'bargain Table'. Feed these pigs quickly and convince them they are saving money by spending money! Our cart, still cold from sitting outside, already had several $1 items in it, including a cute little pink bow-tie to clip on one of our unfortunate little dress-up dogs. Wow! A 6" piece of cheap ribbon, tied by a machine 6000 miles from South Portland, at the rock-bottom price of just one dollar!! Before we knew it we were deep into the "non-bargain items" section, sizing a couple of cute little suede jackets for the babies to match that precious little bow-tie! $12.99 a pop, plus the $1 bow-tie and all applicable taxes later, we're about $29 into the unintended purchase. I could sense the cameras ever-present glare as we walked through nearly every aisle. Perhaps the cameras were beaming to another corner of the nation, images of another successful baiting in realtime to a panel of wide-eyed marketing directors. What those marketing sharks don't know yet is that our little angels are morbidly obese and cannot fully stuff themselves into those cute little suede jackets which will be returned for a full refund in the not to distant future!! Take that Mr. Target Marketing Director!!

Stupid Kids and their Rock n' Roll

So I took a rare stroll through the limited selection of radio stations this morning on my way to work; anything outside of NPR or my 10-disc changer is pretty alien to me. I stopped on one of my trusted old stations from years past; 93.9 FM. My place in time has me in those awkward mid-20's, when you start noticing all your favorite music from your youth is slowly finding its way into the 'Greatest Hits' section and trying to relate to anything new becomes harder and harder. Through my speakers, which are just as unfamiliar with new music as I am, played a quick 3 or 4 chord punk-esque tune, only cleaner and more designed rather than played. It sounded rather over-processed, sort of like a Chicken McNugget; obviously not pure chicken, but tasty none the less. I listened for a few moments, reflecting on the days when everything on the station was solid gold. Suddenly the singer; who as hard as it is for me to admit - is probably younger than me, used those two words that are sure to leave a bad taste in my mouth... "High School"... I mean, give me a fucking break!! Just who the hell are you singing to, and what the hell are they doing up at this absurd hour on a vacation week?!! I was deeply offended and fumbled quickly for the NPR station, disgusted with myself for ever bobbing my head to the rubbish! It occurred to me that having not bought a record in several years, I essentially don't exist in the eyes of the record companies. Stupid Kazaa! Stupid kids!! Stupid Radio!!!

Dolphins and those pesky little insects

What a disappointing moment it would be to us humans if the day the space ships came (and they will), the space explorers decided to park their ships out over the most remote depths of the Pacific, in between the surely-chaotic eruptions of several of our more prominent societies; Japan, China, Russia, and the US. The world would be such a mess of anxiety, debate, and general madness, that every typical social function would cease. Whatever government bodies which continued to function in the overwhelming astonishment of the situation, would be left with the obvious task of determining exactly who and how the visitors would be approached. How offended would we be if by the time we got our acts together and began approaching the craft, in a warship full of scientists and warriors no doubt, the visitors were living it up with the dolphins? Being given the tour of that beautiful blue, dining on the finest jellyfish and crabs, feasting their interests on the dolphins crazy little water tricks, chatting about the climate and atmosphere. Meanwhile, our fearless world leaders are trying to keep us animals out of the streets with tear gas and rubber bullets, and hundreds of dozens of aircraft are being deployed to make contact with the space-RV. The dolphins would probably have told the visitors, and they would be well studied, of the situation on the dry skin of the planet. They’d probably talk about getting caught in our tuna nets and choking on our stinky fumes. We’d be seen as little more than a bunch of ravenous insects, making messy hives, stinging what bothered us, and infesting anything beautiful. This assumption would be reinforced when we flew by the mother ship at mach5, scratching the atmosphere and polluting the air with noise and exhaust. They’d probably think we were a bunch of lamos, ready to sting at the drop of a hat. Would they just gas us, or maybe take the dolphins somewhere better? Would you swat the flies away from a neat little kangaroo you met in the wilderness? Or would you try to take him home?

A Shameful Purchase... Once again.

Well. I did it! I bought another shirt advertising another piece of technology, within just a day of adopting the technology myself. I bought a FireFox shirt!! My excuse? search-easy.biz (do not visit it!) decided to hijack my trusty old Internet Explorer and reek utter havoc on everything I do though it! It really became malignant yesterday morning, when I realized that it had warped even google into some unusable muddle. I scurried to Download.com, only to realize this terrible bastard of a bug was forcing IE to change 'download' to 'down%20%20%20', to hinder any attempt to rid my system of it. What a cleaver little fucker whoever designed the problem is!! After finally rigging up my un-networked laptop to transfer FoxFire over to my main rig, along with a bunch of little cleaning utilities, I finally got my browsing back under control! Relatively 'under control' that is. Without jeopardizing my security, I think I may have been a little lenient with what ports are open, but at least I'm surfing for the mean time!!

So in an effort to thank and reward the great folks at Mozilla for designing FireFox 1.0, I decided to purchase the below t-shirt. Thank you again Mozilla!!

The Civil War was lost on Tuesday.

The south has won. The Mason-Dixon line was as clear as it ever had been the other night and here we are, an awkwardly large nation only half way through being under the authority of someone who is far removed from the America I thought I knew. Like a French Chef stirring the melting pot of all flavors, he will impose his moral beliefs on the nation and world much more aggressively in his second term; as most two-term presidents do. Perhaps someday we as a nation will abandon the haphazard method of electing just one of Earth's children to represent and lead the nation. Perhaps we will have the ability to design a leader, one who is comprised of every citizen of the country, either digitally or genetically condensing every last one of us. A genetic democracy. It's (as it would have no sex) skin an average of every tone in America, It's brain a digital hive of Our hopes, dreams, and opinions. I suppose energy and matter eventually find condensity and consistency. Like the mist that coats a windshield on a wet day, slowly joining each tiny piece of water to form a drop, which finds other drops and becomes a small pool, only to dissipate into the atmosphere.