Lost in the Wilderness: Part 1

It took little more than a glass of wine and a visit from the in-laws to prompt me to take a nice long walk into the woods tonight. Much past the dead chicken (mentioned in a previous post) I walked nearly a mile into the deep, dense and unfamiliar wilderness. Equipped with my trusted machete, a flashlight, and one of two Motorola radios, I felt over-prepared. This feeling was reinforced when Tia decided to use my emergency precaution to remind me I had dishes waiting for me in the sink. The sun had at least another healthy hour in the sky, and I been walking for about 30 minutes. It was at this depth, that I came upon what I assume are an intricate network of snowmobile trails, twisting through the woods around rockwalls, straddling the no trespassing signs all the while. I figured my bearings were trusty enough and followed one of the constantly-branching trails for several minutes. Like a cave diver rationing his oxygen, I decided it was best to turn around and get home before the sky blinked its eye for the night. After just a few moments trying to follow the trail back, I realized I had no chance of retracing my steps. Pulling out the trusted machete, I choose the direction I thought best and began the long journey home. Spider webs, ominously-loud and dangerously-near hoof noises, a setting sun, and wet sneakers submerged in a mossy bog, I realized I might have stumbled into a situation. I continued for a few minutes until the woods grew so thick, I couldn't see 30 feet ahead. I radioed Tia: "I think I might be lost..." "WHAT?" "I think I might have fucked up my sense of direction." "What do you want me to do?" "Can you go out to my car and honk the horn a couple times?" "Okay" ...silence... "Did you hear that?" "No..." "Are you serious??!!" ...walking a couple hundred yards into the clear... "Do it again." "The neighbors are looking at me!" "Do it!" ...silence... "Did you hear that??!!!" "Nothing.".

It was about this time that I started to get a slight tingle of anxiety. Stay calm, remember those old videos commissioned by the British Columbia Department of the Interior I used to watch in elementary school. Don't eat any berries! Don't pat any baby bears! Just stay where you are and wait for your parents to find you!... My parents live in Florida!!! Worthless videos! What a waste of time!!.... (to be continued)